My Pain, Heart-ache, joy, and love all in one [entries|friends|calendar]
Rox

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Wow i finally UPdated [25 Jan 2004|10:20pm]
[ mood | hot ]
[ music | Teen Titans (newest Episode) ]

Hey all.


wow alot has happend or as my mind feels it has. well first i am sorta of masd at my mother yesterday even thought it was her birthday. i mean she bought me a brand new fleece blanket from ''Spencers''. Its Dale Jr. and it cost like 20 dollars. i kept telling them no because of the fact that it is her birthday andthat she shouldnt be buying me stuff. Then she bought me (well sorta me, my mom and i share clothes) a new tiger fleece sweater. I hate it when she does this yet i luveit when she does. I hahte it because she is spending money on me when its her birthdya. and i luve it because i am getting something and the blanket is really soft and comfy. but i feel bad because what i wanted to get her they didnt have at HOt Topic. its a shirt that everytime we go she says ooo i want that, and everytime we go i didnt have the money. well went yesterday i had the money, but down in St. Pete they didnt have it. So i felt bad really bad. because this year would be the first year that i was going to spend my own money on buying her a gift and what i wanted to buyt her wasnt there. so i ended up buying her a movie that she wanted. "Finding Nemo" on Dvd, from the Disney Store. but i think i made up for it in her card.

It says~
"For my Mother on her birthday
you're not the kind of person
To always show how you feel
at least with words, anyway.
But everyday of your life
you've shown how much
you love your family
by your hard work and quiet strength
and by your constant
and supportive presence
in the lives of those you care about.
You're the kind of mother
who loves beyond words,
and you are loved beyond words,
for all those wonderful things you are."



today went and came a little dully. i am going to try to put most of my poems on my live journal. or i may put them on my insane journal i dont know.

I have been thnking lately. I have been told that no 2 ppl see the same thing and its meaning the same way. yet it confuses me. i mean while going down to St. Pete yesterday i was looking at all the buildings and roads and cars, just everything around me and i kept thinking how would this look in someone elses eyes. is it the smae way i see or does there imagnation hide when they see the shapes and curves so that they only see one kind of shape. unlike how i see thigns after thinking about them. this may be confusing but i mean that a brick. if person a picks it up and says something about maybe about its color or weight and the person b comes and looks at the same brik and says something about it curves or something. i mean who says a brick must be a square. i mean in someone else eyes or mind it may be a triangle or a circle or some otehr shape. who knows.

My mind is strange. i doubt anyone understands me.

one of my favorite shows just came on its callde "Teen Titans." i love it. i mean its funny. and i dont caer if anyone disagrees with me. i only care for a few ppls comments and views of anything i do. Back to subject. i also love Sailor Moon and many other shows. I wish i could find a place where i could per say download some episodes of Sailor Moon.

i wish my brotehr would hurry up and get back. he is suppose to be bringing me a shake. a Oreo milk shake. he went to visit Connie at workv (aka Dennys) and i luve there shakes there and i havent had one in such a long while i taked him in to getting me one. His birthday is Tuesday. He will be 18. i hate the fact that this will be his last few months here. i mena i know everyone thinks we dont get a long but we do and its funny because sometimes everything he does will get me pissed becasue my parents will always show him more attention and take his side more then mine. and it sucks.

weell thats all for now i will update tomorrow.


Love always and to all.
Sam

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a horror memory from the past [05 Jan 2004|01:13pm]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | Home Improvement ]

i have 2 cds i am dying for....

1) Clay Aiken :Measure of a man.. my fav. song on it.

"Invisible"

Whatcha’ doin’ tonight
I wish I could be a fly on your wall
Are you really alone
Still in your dreams
Why can't I bring you into my life
What would it take to make you see that I'm alive

[Chorus]

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

I saw your face in the crowd
I called out your name
You don't hear a sound
I keep tracing your steps
Each move that you make
Wish I could read what goes through your mind
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life

[Chorus]

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I can just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

I reach out
But you don't even see me
Even when I'm scream out
Baby, you don't hear me
I am nothing without you
Just a shadow passing through...

[Repeat Chorus]


thats my favorite song !!!!!!!!!!!!!

cd 2) Simple Plan: No Helmets No Pads...Just Balls

"Perfect"

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

that song describes how i felt for a long time and it still describes how i feel




Saturday iw ent and saw the movie i have been waiting to see" Mona Lisa Smile". it was great. went with mechelle. which was ok. then after the movie we went to Claries and lok around. then we went looking at Spencers, then meet up with my parents and my brotehr and his girlfriend. which connie is ok i mena shes really cool. yet when my parents are here or around they treaqt me like shit and i think its because this is my brotehr s last year and they always liked Larry better then Chris or T.J and they dont want him to go but still i hate being treated like shit i mean esp. in front of my friends its very humilating yet i am actually mad at mechelle because we got into to a small agruement about Robbie and shes like'well everyong hates you any ways so why does he matter" an di screamed back at her "bc i dont know why he hates me". then i went tomy room and watched tv. and the only real reason we got into the fight was sbc Robbie wanted to know how i found out that him and Chynna broke up and i was going to tell her . i told her that if he wanted toknow that he could ask e and he replied that hje never talked to me so i wasnt going to tell her. and i actually dont care that he doesnt like me but he has me confused because of the fact he still emails me, still has me on his aim list and his yahoo list. but i will be switching screen names for both. which means i will be havinmg a new email address. but i dont mind.
next subject.

i knwo how i will be having my classes next semster.

1. Instrum,ental Tech.
Test prep
2.Algebra 2
3. L.A. honors
Then after school Band




i am so freaked out today. i so dont want to be home i would rather be any where else like a freinds house or here with a freind. i just dont want to be by myself. because yesterday some ppl drove by in a green car and took pictures of ouy house and ever since the last rime we had the old house broken into i havent felt 'safe' being home alone. i mean i walked into my house and saw everything gone and out of place i couldnt sleep for a few months becasue my dad and brotehr owned (brotehrs) daggers, and blades, ad my daddy owned some guns and a cross bow they all where stolen and i was afriad that in the middle of thenight someone was going to break in to our house and kill us and for the same reason last night i couldnt sleep i was afraid that the ppl who took the pictures whrer going to break in and ckill us as if they were the same ppl who broke in last time. See that day was bad enough. it started off fine exceot for my gut feeling. but i was having alot of those lately as if something big was going to happen yet at that time ididnt know it was going to be bad. i went to9 school and about 9 i callled my mother informing her that i forgot my lunch money and she said that it would take her too long to go and get it then bring it to me she asked if i could go with out. i said sure. well come the end of the day i went home got on my second bus everything ws going fine my brother got our bus driver to drop us off first (which she didnt usually do) and i ws the one off first so i went up to the door. the screen door was being held open with a bag of soil. well at that time we didnt blot the door shut. well i unlocked the knob and opened the door when my eyes hit the floor and then the walls i screamed bloody murder and my brother asked me what was wrong ans i said see for your self. he looked and we both entered the house he told me not to touch anything i and i didn't and wasnt going to. well i went back to my room and looked aruond i didnt see anything missing. and nothing of mine was except my lunch money. i went back out into the living room and grabed the phone. i went out side and called my mom she sid dad was going to be home any mintue and she called the police. just about the time my dad got home i was in tears. the bus went by and the police was there and then my mom and then one of my freinds stoped by and ased me if anything was wrong and i told her that i would inform her about it later. who ever broke into the house nknew where everything was. my moms jewlerey, my dads things (and wedding ring), my brotehrs knifes, daggers, and swords, all of the familys computers, my moms stereo. and just about everything else that had alot of value. but nothing of mine not even my new 5 dic cd, tape and raido stereo was gone but everyone elses things were. it made me feel bad and it scared me. because of the fact those people could come back at any time and kill us with what they stole. yet i still get freaked out when i am alone everything that happend that day wa all a blur. all i can remember is the few things that i wrote allready i mena talking to Police then going to softball crying go to school the next day in worry. i still get chills down my spine when i think of it and it was like a yr ago. but it still is in my mind and i cant get it out.


well i will update later.

Love always,
Sam

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[21 Dec 2003|11:15pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | clicking of keys on keyborad ]

wow not much has gone on this weekend exceot shopping... Literally.

Saturday: went to 3 malls and a Target with dad and brother.. Malls were : Festival Bay, Florida Mall, and Mall at Millenia.... there all huge malls.. the Festival Bay mall has 30 cinemas and a skatepark. the Florida mall is as a never ending mall. every turn youi make there is a split of ways to go.... And the Mall at Millenia is techicanlly 2 stories. yet since the "top floor" is actually ground level the malll is a regular mall with a basement. at the Festival Bay mall we went to Steve and Barrys which is a huge warehouse for College sports clothing and everything and i picked up things there.. then we went to the Florida mall where my brother broke his sandals... and the we went to the Mall at Millenia at which we almost got into a accident because so many ppl hgas there fingers up there ass. ..


Sunday: went to the Festival Bay mall with my mom and stopped at Target, Catos, Office Depot,and Books*A*Million. at the festival bay mall there was a accident and it was funny because it was like right after we passed this one spot we heard a huge honking of a horn and we turned around a a lady smashed into anotehr lady heads on... it was funny yet scary,... but at Festival Bay we boiught socks and hats and shirts and pants and angels andcharms glore. i mean we must have had ten bags leaving this one mall. but it was all cool because we got everyone somethign except for Mindy and Lanua of her office... so it was a good day.

then mechelle may not be moving HIP HIP HOORAY HIP HIP HORRAY... she is one of my best friends and her mom will be getting a job at my moms work. not maybe but will bne getting the job... and my mom would be her moms boss. and it will be so kool....

DAMN i would reallyl kie to now what crawled up my brotehrs ass. because he like just came out adn stated messing around in the kitchena dn he comes out and gives me my watcha nd ring saying "here i didnt want you to forget these" then he starts walking to his room. and i told that he shouldnt be touching and messing with my stuff and not to do it again.. and he blows up in my face saying o welll at least i didnt Accidently drop it down the sink. and he wasnt it even near the sink in the first place.. so the only way he could have droppeed it down the sink was to walk over, pick up the watch and ring and drop them (on purpuse) drop the sink.. so there is no "accidently" in there. i am very surprised that Connie is giong out with him. he can be sucha jerk. i mean he must be going though Male PMS. becasue he is being a ASSHOLE these past weeks..


Christmas: i am going over to my grandparents house for a Family Gatehring / party.... will be bored as all gets out... i can actually ring a friend yet i dont know who i woyuld bring and since it would be on chistmas day i wouldnt want to take a friend away from tehre family to come ove r to mine unless they didnt have anything to do and wanted to come. yet all of myf reinds who i have talked with has plans.....

New Years Eve: Party, Pool, Tv, Loud Music, and drinks.... sound fun. of course i will yet agaion be bored.. my mom, dad, brother, and i also think connie will be coming with us to Teds and Angies house to there New Years Eve party. which agian i can bringa friend yet i dont think i would becauise they may have plans with there fam,ilies adn may actually want to spend the holidays with the family.....

the rest of the break absolutley nothing in the world will be going on unless i amke arragnements to go to the movies or out with some friedns. but i dont know. it depends on what my friends feel like doing. and if they even want me to come along with them. because i can be such a third wheel sometimes. or unwanted at tuimes i dont know if they would want me to go. but i dont care right now iactually dont know why i am wrrying about little things like that


The School Fucked up my Schedule majorly.... they gave me Honors English, test prep, guard, then health/pe
i am actually suppose to have: Instrumental tech, test prep, then english yet no pe or helth well i need health but i am not suppose to take pe. but i may just have to switch around the 2nhd bolck and 1st block to fix it and still take pe. which i dont want to take pe but its a easy credit...






not much else i will update tomorrow i dont have anything else to do... but sleep in....

love always
rox

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[03 Dec 2003|07:36am]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | there goes my life ]

today i am so hoping will go better. i was so trying to od yesterday. but i stiopped at myself. since i was at shcool and it wouldnt have been smart. but i dont care right now. yesterday i wanted to but today i have something to look forward to.. FRIDAY!!!!! I have to work BB consession but its ghoing to be cool bc its Alishia, Kevin, and I.. Then i am going to be so happy for KEvin come the 9Th he will finally ask someone he really likes out. and we are all hoping she says yes.. well g2g
lots of luv.

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[01 Dec 2003|10:50pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | none ]

I AM SOOOO STUPID....i am have to watch my BEST FREIND leave tomorrow bc of something i did. i hate it. but it out of my cvontrol and tehres nothing i can do...i feel like killng myself i feel so bad but i wont becasue i care for someone deeply and i dont want to leave them . but i dont want my freind to leave me. she means so muchto me. and my life. she has saved my life a few times with her advice. i feel so shitty right not.. and i cant believe i betrayed my freind yet it wasnt really betrayl.....lots of luv.

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[29 Nov 2003|01:30pm]
[ mood | awake ]

today is going by slow. i feel like i deserve to die. i have becoming disowned by my freinds. the trust stays away. i have never lived witho ut freinds and i tend not to. i plan to fix this is some strange way.

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